Relinquishing Control | Relationship Quiz

Before you begin

I created this quiz as a way to locate patterns in your thoughts, feelings, and behavior so you can organize what you want to discuss. It is a reflection exercise, not a scientific or diagnostic test. It cannot tell you whether your relationship is healthy or whether either person has a condition. There are no right or wrong answers, and the score ranges are guides I created for reflection, not clinical cutoffs. — Michael Cornwall, PsyD, PhD, LPC, LCSW

Many people ask to improve communication. In REBT, an event, a belief or interpretation, and an emotional or behavioral consequence form the ABC model. The words we say may be shaped by what we told ourselves first (Ellis, n.d.). This is one lens; another person’s actions also matter.

Answer for your own behavior over the last month. There are no right or wrong answers. A couple can each answer separately and compare reflections only if both wish to do so. Your responses remain in this browser and are not sent to Cornwall Counseling.

Choose how often each practice was available to you:

0 Rarely or never1 Occasionally2 Sometimes3 Often4 Almost always

If there was no opportunity to answer, choose “Skip this question.” Scores reflect practices, not how much you love someone. Acceptance never requires tolerating mistreatment; protection includes honest limits and both people’s safety.

Relinquishing Control

Notice where a preference turns into a demand, and where help can support self-direction.

1. Notice when “I would prefer this” becomes “My partner must do this” in my thinking?

For example: Your partner makes weekend plans you dislike. You notice the thought “They must choose what I want” and turn it into a request you can discuss.

2. Ask for a change without using affection, silence, money, or access as a bargaining tool?

For example: You say, “If you don’t agree to visit my family, I won’t speak to you tonight.” The question asks whether you can ask without that pressure.

3. Let my partner make choices that are theirs to make, even when I would choose differently?

For example: Your partner chooses a hobby or a friend you would not choose. You express a concern once, then recognize that the decision is theirs.

4. Pause before treating uncertainty or a delayed reply as proof that I am being rejected?

For example: A text goes unanswered for two hours. Instead of concluding “They are ignoring me,” you consider that they may be busy and ask later.

5. Name what I can do myself instead of requiring my partner to remove every uncomfortable feeling?

For example: You feel anxious before a gathering. You soothe yourself or ask for support without insisting your partner cancel every plan to settle your anxiety.

6. State a personal boundary as something I will do, rather than a command controlling the other person?

For example: You say, “If shouting starts, I will step outside and return in 20 minutes,” rather than “You are not allowed to feel angry.”

7. Accept a “no” without escalating, retaliating, or repeatedly reopening the same request?

For example: Your partner declines a trip. You hear the answer, even if disappointed, instead of asking over and over until they agree.

8. Offer help that builds my partner's ability to handle a task, then allow them to take responsibility for it?

For example: Your partner wants to call a landlord about a repair. You help them prepare what to say, then let them make the call.